The day Drew died I was in shock. I cried a couple of times but kept myself mostly composed. Like every other night I closed my bedroom door to keep the kids out and went to get ready for bed. As I prepared to brush my teeth, I began to sob. I had to hold my hand over my mouth so that the sounds wouldn’t be heard by my family. My legs went weak, and I dropped to my knees. I could feel the pain throughout my body. It was as though my chest was being pushed open from the inside. It felt as though it was going to burst.
I immediately took it to God. I didn’t have any words. No words in my mind or words to come out of my mouth. For the first time in my life, I had nothing to say. It was just pain. I cried out to Him, and He knew my heart. In that moment God had me in His hands. I could FEEL His love. My husband had held me while I cried. I got hugs from my kids and mom that day. This was different. This was the hand of God.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would not allow myself to be angry with God. I was determined to not let Drew’s death separate me from Him. I had seen devout Christians lose their way because of loss. Although I understand fully how this could happen and don’t judge anyone, I didn’t want it to be me. I needed His help.
I have never once been angry with God for taking Drew. I know with my whole heart that everything God does is working for good. Drew’s death has changed my relationship with Him for the better. I was forced to rely entirely on Him for the strength to go on. I was also trusting Him with my baby. I couldn’t take care of him. He was in the arms of Jesus. Because of this, I love him more than ever. I love Him for loving my son.
There is joy to be found in Drew’s death. Parents want only the best for their children. There is NOTHING better than being in the presence of the Lord. How great is that?! He never had to experience the pains of the world we live in. He never had to feel pain, sadness, or fear. He never had to cry. I couldn’t dream of a better plan for my child.
In the early days after Drew died, I found so much comfort in the lyrics of one of my favorite worship songs. “His love is like a mighty ocean. His love for me will never stop. Oh, His arms are strong enough to carry me through it all by the grace of God.” I loved this song before my son died, but I love it even more now. I am eternally grateful to God for loving me and carrying me through this storm. I can’t imagine this journey without His strength. He truly is the King of broken hearts.
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