I can feel the weather changing. I broke my jeans out last week. The calendar says it’s Fall. Normally, I would be excited to dig out the sweaters, jeggings, and boots. Hot coffee, Fall festivals, pumpkins, Halloween, and Thanksgiving. Sunny days and chilly nights. Autumn was my favorite season. Then Drew died.
Drew died right at the beginning of Fall. We buried him on a sunny day with bright blue skies. I was dressed in a long-sleeved blue button up shirt and a black pinstripe skirt. It was the perfect day for an imperfect ending. Here we are again. The season change brings fear. What am I afraid of? My child is already dead. I’m afraid of the anniversaries.
The last month has been a definite struggle for me. I am having all the “this time last year” moments. Jamie’s birthday was by far the hardest. It was toward the end of my pregnancy with Drew. Things were headed down a bad path and we were both barely holding on. Everything from buying her gifts to throwing her party came with a feeling of darkness. The worst part was that it culminated in a parent I hadn’t met before asking me if I just had three children.
Since then, I have been gearing up for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. I’m planning ways to honor hundreds of babies. I’m scared of what grief will look like on Drew’s birthday. I’ve never celebrated the birthday of a child that wasn’t living, especially not my own. I’m also dreading my grandma’s birthday in November. I will almost certainly watch videos of the kids and I singing her “Happy Birthday!” and bawl my eyes out as I wish that she were here.
Nothing about this Fall will be easy. I can only pray that it will be gentle. Grandma prayed for my grief to be easy. It’s not. It’s hard. Why couldn’t her prayers have been enough to spare us this? Grieving is never easy.
The leaves will fall like the tears of grievers with the slow breeze. I will decorate Drew’s grave for a 1st birthday he will celebrate with Jesus instead of his family. I will dress my children for Halloween remembering last year when I pushed through to give them a good time when I all I wanted to do was crawl into the ground with Drew. I will pull my boots on while thinking of what could’ve been.
Autumn is here. Drew and Grandma are not. Their earthly bodies have been replaced with the roller coaster of grief. I find comfort in helping others. I find comfort in God. I find comfort in the moments that I feel their love.
I’ll be looking for you both when a ray of sunshine comes through my window. I won’t see you while I’m sipping my coffee, but I know that as long as I’m living your memories will never die.
