Until June of 2020, I would have never considered myself someone who struggled with mental health. Other than having a bit of an obsessive personality, I thought of myself as normal (whatever that is). Like most people I have had periods of situational depression, but nothing serious. The summer after I had Asher things changed dramatically.
After extensive medical testing I was diagnosed with anxiety. I’ll save the details of that for another post…or twenty. I was offered medication which I declined. I have faced this beast head on day in and day out since then. Meet June of 2021. Drew’s pregnancy was a nightmare in itself. When he died, things took a nosedive. Grief was front and center and I was introduced to other fun things like symptoms of PTSD.
My issues pale in comparison to some. I know people who have experienced severe mental illness most of their lives. This was new to me though. I never understood. I certainly never thought I’d be the one trying to explain to someone else how mental illness cripples you. I just kept praying and hoped one day I would wake up and be me again. A couple of weeks ago I realized something. I haven’t done anything to try to get better. I think I believed if I just prayed hard enough that it would all work itself out with no effort on my part.
I don’t want to go to therapy. I don’t want to join a support group. I don’t want to take pharmaceuticals. Where does that leave me? It’s me and God. I’m okay with that. That is the path I am choosing currently. But I can’t ask him to do ALL the work.
It’s time for me to step up. I AM going to get better. I’ve had enough. If my recent experiences with death have taught me anything it is that life should be lived and lived well. God gave me this beautiful gift, and I was watching it pass by. My kids deserve better and so does my husband.
The last year has changed me so much. I’ve grown in ways that I could never have imagined. In all of this, there is so much to be thankful for. There is so much good. I am ready to live again. I’m ready to make some amazing memories. I’ve started to dig into some root issues and resolve problems piece by piece. So far, it’s been very hard, but very fruitful.
I’m sharing this to say that mental health can change on a dime. Your entire life can be turned upside down with no warning. If you’ve never experienced it, I’m glad. If you have, you are not alone. I know that different things work for different people. But it starts with wanting to get better enough to work for it. We must search within ourselves. Part of the problem is that mental illness can take away your desire to want to heal. Isn’t that a kick in the rear? When God gives us tools, we have to pick them up. We can’t stare at a nail and a hammer and expect the picture to hang itself on the wall.
There are no easy answers. My way is not necessarily your way. That’s okay too. God answered my prayer though. It just wasn’t in the way I expected. He handed me a toolbox.
